(11/21)Its your birthday, you can cry if you want to... you would too. if saps happened to you ;)

BEWARE: Sappy birthday post ahead, for a special cats named Saps :)

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Today is sapphires birthday(11/21)... Shes 4 years old!!! Despite these past couple weeks, of her waking up in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder like she is being attacked when we have no idea what is going on? First we thought the heater made funny noises, removed heater, hid it, slept fine for two days... then yet again doing the same behavior. Is it my scary siezures at night? is she in pain somewhere? we feed her right before so shes full, sometimes early enough so she can go to the bathroom too. We do a full check of her body, doesn't seem anything is hurting her? we massage her before bed, a gentle brushing she loves! We talk softly, what else? Is it the noise machine, she hates the noise now? we changed the setting, but yet every night she seems so uncomfortable, so upset and we have no idea why!? Is she scared of something? but what? this is the cat who has no fear, who will run straight into water, stand up against people who are huge, attack animals who could easily kill her in a second with one bite, so what could she be possibly be scared of? Yet she is constantly searching through the house like she is being followed or threatened? Why? I wish I just had an answer... just one answer to why?

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Roxanne has went through an episode where if sapphire gets too close, she hisses and growls at her, we have no idea why for that either. Our cats have so many personality and mood related problems, their behavior is so hard to read, yet as saps stares into my eyes everyday it is like she is seeking some sort of answer from me, something she is longing to want, but what??? I found out jealously is very common among the cats, roxanne is sleeping on my chest, gosh forbid, so sapphire has to top it and climb further up onto my neck, as they both purr, one look at each other, and a fight may occur randomly. Like their fighting for my love? but why I'm home all the time, I give them both equal amount of love. She hates to be in anybody elses arms, HATEs, screams, bites, scratches like they are torturering her yet instead loving her as much as I do, at most trying to love her even more then I do so she at least acknowledges them.

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I get so mad at sapphire, she wakes me up randomly up in the middle of the night again, I'm upset, tired, half awake, half asleep, worn out, I just want to scream at her, but what good does that ever do? Another night lost, another mystery NEVER solved with her. Usually most of my blogs are filled with laughter of how she gets herself into the weirdest situations, but yet this blog is more about the love I have for her. The past 4 years of unimaginable love for her I have, but its so hard, I hate being touched, being constantly clung too, hate when I can't breathe, hate being stared at by her, and love to sometimes just be alone, without any animals by my side, but she challenges constantly challenging each of those things I hate, she loves me what else is to say, a love I cannot figure out. The love where doesn't matter how allergic I am, I let her lay on my face, as she purrs like it is the best thing in the world, does it matter really if I can't breathe, shes happy? There once was a time where doctors said put her down, give her up, she has FIV, heart murmer, tear jerk problem, whole list of problems, but why? because shes less then perfect? It made me love her even more. I didn't care if she didn't live a day, if she was purring, fed, warm, happy and loved, it was all that mattered. That was what drove me to wake in the middle of the night because she cannot get comfortable to rub her head, as she gently presses it against my hand like all she ever needs or wants is love. It is kinda weird how snuggly, lovable she is, she'll cuddle underneath my neck, face, hands, arms, in my lap, ALLL night and day and fight for it too as she stares into my eyes 24/7. I cannot help but love her, and yet on these struggling days where sleep is always hard to find but even harder when you have a cat with many unusual needs, makes life even ten times worth more fighting and loving. What else is to say? Today was one of those moments I always wish could last forever. Napping in the middle of the day, as I try to keep her calm, next to me, relaxed and happy, she stays, she doesn't scream or seem upset, these moments I want to to never end. Theres a moment I turn to lay on my side, shes curled up in a ball in my chest, rocking back and forth(and when I say rocking back and forth, I really mean rocking back and forth, she loves to rock especially when she purrs[one day I'll get a video of her doing]) purring non-stop, as I rub her little leg she stretches it closing her eyes so softly. Its such a warm and happy feeling, like shes safe, and the love is so pure. I'm struggling to breathe, or move, as shes pressed all her weight to try to keep me still and so I don't move, I'm becoming agitated as I'm sweating, then she rubs her head against my palm of my hand, gently rubbing her little nose into it, as she continues rocking, purring, she gently presses her lips to my hands, and then continues rocking, as Roxanne notices and attempts to join, they both lay there, as Roxanne, purrs like a loud motor, staring into the unknown, sapphire purring, rocking, scopes out the entire room, pressing her body more against mine. Its so unreal, I sound like I'm writing a novel ha-ha, or a love story in this post ha-ha, yet its just another post about my very unique kitty! We survived another nap without any upsetness, progress, is progress, even if its little :).

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Today she is 4(11/21), and I hope many many many more years come and go, many more blog posts filled with laughter, shock, weirdness and love to share. I'm so lucky and so proud to have her in my life. Heres to you, my sweet, special, sapphire. Happy Birthday!!!