(11/21)Its your birthday, you can cry if you want to... you would too. if saps happened to you ;)

BEWARE: Sappy birthday post ahead, for a special cats named Saps :)

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Today is sapphires birthday(11/21)... Shes 4 years old!!! Despite these past couple weeks, of her waking up in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder like she is being attacked when we have no idea what is going on? First we thought the heater made funny noises, removed heater, hid it, slept fine for two days... then yet again doing the same behavior. Is it my scary siezures at night? is she in pain somewhere? we feed her right before so shes full, sometimes early enough so she can go to the bathroom too. We do a full check of her body, doesn't seem anything is hurting her? we massage her before bed, a gentle brushing she loves! We talk softly, what else? Is it the noise machine, she hates the noise now? we changed the setting, but yet every night she seems so uncomfortable, so upset and we have no idea why!? Is she scared of something? but what? this is the cat who has no fear, who will run straight into water, stand up against people who are huge, attack animals who could easily kill her in a second with one bite, so what could she be possibly be scared of? Yet she is constantly searching through the house like she is being followed or threatened? Why? I wish I just had an answer... just one answer to why?

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Roxanne has went through an episode where if sapphire gets too close, she hisses and growls at her, we have no idea why for that either. Our cats have so many personality and mood related problems, their behavior is so hard to read, yet as saps stares into my eyes everyday it is like she is seeking some sort of answer from me, something she is longing to want, but what??? I found out jealously is very common among the cats, roxanne is sleeping on my chest, gosh forbid, so sapphire has to top it and climb further up onto my neck, as they both purr, one look at each other, and a fight may occur randomly. Like their fighting for my love? but why I'm home all the time, I give them both equal amount of love. She hates to be in anybody elses arms, HATEs, screams, bites, scratches like they are torturering her yet instead loving her as much as I do, at most trying to love her even more then I do so she at least acknowledges them.

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I get so mad at sapphire, she wakes me up randomly up in the middle of the night again, I'm upset, tired, half awake, half asleep, worn out, I just want to scream at her, but what good does that ever do? Another night lost, another mystery NEVER solved with her. Usually most of my blogs are filled with laughter of how she gets herself into the weirdest situations, but yet this blog is more about the love I have for her. The past 4 years of unimaginable love for her I have, but its so hard, I hate being touched, being constantly clung too, hate when I can't breathe, hate being stared at by her, and love to sometimes just be alone, without any animals by my side, but she challenges constantly challenging each of those things I hate, she loves me what else is to say, a love I cannot figure out. The love where doesn't matter how allergic I am, I let her lay on my face, as she purrs like it is the best thing in the world, does it matter really if I can't breathe, shes happy? There once was a time where doctors said put her down, give her up, she has FIV, heart murmer, tear jerk problem, whole list of problems, but why? because shes less then perfect? It made me love her even more. I didn't care if she didn't live a day, if she was purring, fed, warm, happy and loved, it was all that mattered. That was what drove me to wake in the middle of the night because she cannot get comfortable to rub her head, as she gently presses it against my hand like all she ever needs or wants is love. It is kinda weird how snuggly, lovable she is, she'll cuddle underneath my neck, face, hands, arms, in my lap, ALLL night and day and fight for it too as she stares into my eyes 24/7. I cannot help but love her, and yet on these struggling days where sleep is always hard to find but even harder when you have a cat with many unusual needs, makes life even ten times worth more fighting and loving. What else is to say? Today was one of those moments I always wish could last forever. Napping in the middle of the day, as I try to keep her calm, next to me, relaxed and happy, she stays, she doesn't scream or seem upset, these moments I want to to never end. Theres a moment I turn to lay on my side, shes curled up in a ball in my chest, rocking back and forth(and when I say rocking back and forth, I really mean rocking back and forth, she loves to rock especially when she purrs[one day I'll get a video of her doing]) purring non-stop, as I rub her little leg she stretches it closing her eyes so softly. Its such a warm and happy feeling, like shes safe, and the love is so pure. I'm struggling to breathe, or move, as shes pressed all her weight to try to keep me still and so I don't move, I'm becoming agitated as I'm sweating, then she rubs her head against my palm of my hand, gently rubbing her little nose into it, as she continues rocking, purring, she gently presses her lips to my hands, and then continues rocking, as Roxanne notices and attempts to join, they both lay there, as Roxanne, purrs like a loud motor, staring into the unknown, sapphire purring, rocking, scopes out the entire room, pressing her body more against mine. Its so unreal, I sound like I'm writing a novel ha-ha, or a love story in this post ha-ha, yet its just another post about my very unique kitty! We survived another nap without any upsetness, progress, is progress, even if its little :).

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Today she is 4(11/21), and I hope many many many more years come and go, many more blog posts filled with laughter, shock, weirdness and love to share. I'm so lucky and so proud to have her in my life. Heres to you, my sweet, special, sapphire. Happy Birthday!!!

All I have to say is... WHY and WTF???

Another day, another time I wish I understand why sapphire is the way she is. She has to be bipolar, autistic, OCD, you name it, has to be something!!! if only i had an answer, just a quick answer to my most challenging questions as to WHYYYYY?

Out of nowhere last week, she refused to sleep in my room, also refused to sleep anywhere else then my room, panickly meowing and howling like she was in a horror film, scratching, franctically trying to get in and out, from both sides of the door. What choice do I have? i mean shes already almost tore her way through two doors in the house from scratching, chewing and tearing apart the door piece by piece. Alread knows how to open cabinets and find EVERY single baggy there is known to man in a cabinet, along with different foods or different items in those baggies that she eats and somehow leaves piles of throw up around the house(its like hmm guess she found another little baggy with more little goodies that she didn't like againn). Or the time we werent home, and my brother came home finding her dangle upside down from the shade string wrapped around her tail almost breaking her tail of the window, we really dont know how long she was hanging, but lots of blood, and possibly a fractured tail but she wouldn't let anybody near her tail for awhile, and eventually it did heal. My brother had to cut her down, at the same time fight for his life as she was trying to attack him, how does one get their tail wrapped up in a cord so tightly like that and end up, upside down, who knows? We just know she can lead to some dangerous situations when not watched. We had to put her in another room away from my room because of her howling but when she is upset she attacks the other animals, and other humans in the house, or rips apart the couches and eats the insides or pillows, or blankets, or knockes everything off the tables and counters(yes isnt she a doll to have around hehe). So we had to put her in a cage and covered it with blankets, felt so horrible doing it, but what else is there to do, she is and was always a danger to herself, the house and others. It was terrible., but had to be done. Then I had to quickly try to figure out why all of a sudden, these episodes happen randomly out of nowhere, hense thinking she may be bipolar. She also has no fear, so what could be going on. I also have to say she has been angrier then usual, meaning attacking our older cat, roxanne who is 11 and a half now, even going after me and jim. Our dog stays clear of her, because he is in absolute fear of her, probably of all cats now after seeing her randomly, could be out noise, sudden voice changes, anything can trigger her behavior, where her eyes go pitch black, her nails go stay straight out, her muscles look like their bulging and she has to attack. Meaning full of biting, hissing, scratching, swatting, and not just one hit, on and on and on until the victim is either bleeding or cornered, if then she'll lay there as their cornered to watch them shake in fear. Issues? yes she has plenty of them haha.

Anyways had to figure out why now, why all of a sudden? she has food, water, clean kitty litter, maybe we all talk in soft tones, and give her a nice brush down? before bed? some snacks perhaps? worked for about 5 minutes and then shes back to her out stunts. This is the same cat who will hunt you down doesnt matter where you are or what you are doing, will hunt, attempt to knock down doors, attack any animal in her sight, just for what? maybe fresh water and shes fine. Most cats just meow, not her. Well nothing worked, i thought well awhile ago, my heater sparked in the middle of the night, nothing abnormal, but maybe it triggered unwanted behavior? She scopes out my room like shes searching for a pin in a haystack, literally every corner every night, every chance she gets, smelling, licking, looking, every night and moment she can get in there matter of fact. So we unplugged the heater, and hid it. Since past couple nights she won't stay in my room, and had to be put in cage, again felt horrible for it, i moved the older cat up towards from my feet to my middle of my legs(love extra weight), where saps usually sleeps. We bring her in last night hoping maybe a change? maybe shes calmer? maybe she'll actually stay? well unexpectantly, she bolts from our arms literally bolts like shes jumping out of a plain, almost attacks roxanne, eyes pitch black, puts all her strenght into almost clobbering poor roxanne as she is all of a sudden ambushed, after scaring everything out of roxanne, she lays on my chest further up the bed, to make her point she wants her spot back! We move roxanne, well mainly because knowing from experience after awhile they fight on the bed, meaning sapphire gets randomly angry, and attacks roxanne and she defends herself, scary stuff when blood is shed, and hair is flying and sapphire looks literally out of the exorcist movie with her eyes black, her head almost spinning i swear. We moved roxanne to the feet, saps moved to the legs. All well ends well. She slept through the night, no problems. So proud of her, felt so guilty putting in a cage, was it the heater, have no idea, will find out if i get the same success tonight.

Later though today, we also found out, sapphire likes garlic spinach!!! I love spinach, so im eating it, and walk away, there saps is, wherever there is food, there is saps, wherever there is me, there is saps, wherever there is noise or anything i guess you could say weird, there is saps. She first takes her paw, wipes it on the spinach, licks the paw. Then the slow walk towards the bowl, she starts licking it, gets some spinach in her mouth, eats it, chews it better then i do(i usually choke), its in her stomach. She ate spinach ok, this is weird for most, but i guess normal for us? Then she comes back for more, this time grabbing both a spinach piece and a garlic piece with her mouth and paw i must add, and puts it on the table. Quickly analyzes it, then seperates the two with her paw(only if i had a video camera attached to her head or mine to just catch this unsuaul behavior i'd publish a movie on her haha), then eats first garlic chunk, then the spinach chunk, she is finished, cleans her paws, takes a sip of pink lemonade and is on the prowl for the next moment "in the wierdest cat of all time" situation she could get herself into. Yes i do mean pink lemonade, and of course out of my cup, has to be anything revolving around me... Another one of those WTF, and WHY, moments that nobody can explain nor understand! I still love her no matter what, speaking of which so, her birthday is coming soon, she will be 4, im hoping old age catches up with her soon?? maybe?? is that possible?? :)